I used to think that being sensitive was a curse, rather than a blessing. I hated it. I still do. My feelings get hurt over the stupidest things, and it makes me so mad at myself! "Why am I like this?" A question I ask myself several times a week. I mean, I guess it makes sense that I would be so easily hurt.. I spent a good portion of my life growing up being told I was garbage who wouldn't amount to anything. I felt like the most hated person in my father's life. Like the biggest burden on the planet. I try to brush stuff off and say that being abused made me stronger.. and maybe in a sense it did, but it doesn't always feel that way. I act tough, because I live in an armour I've built for myself. If I act tough, then maybe people will think they can't hurt me. It's my way of protecting myself. But man, I do I EVER wear my heart on my damn sleeve! My eyes are literally windows to my heart and soul. I can cry within SECONDS of being hurt. And it makes me feel so weak. "I should be stronger by now" I tell myself. "I've overcome so much!" But my feeling are mine, and they get hurt wether others think they should or not, and I'm learning how to deal with it. Because only we can choose how to react to someone else's words or actions.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" is one of the worst things to teach children. I don't know about you, but I'd sure as hell rather be hurt by sticks and stones than words! Physical wounds hurt so much less than daggers to the heart, and heal a lot faster also. Damaging words can cause pain that lasts a life time. Broken bones get a cool cast and lots of attention. Broken hearts get a room full of darkness, loneliness, and crippling pain. No one wants that.
I've recently discovered (with the help of my therapist, bless her heart) that being sensitive isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sure it's hard to live this way when I'm constantly beating myself down for being a big cry baby, but it has benefited me in so many other ways! Which brings me to my next thought. I'd like to talk a bit about my career, because I feel this is really where my sensitivity flourishes. Those of you who know me personally know that I am a Registered Early Childhood Educator and I currently work in a preschool room. And I LOVE my kids! Yes, I call them "mine" because I am stuck with them for 8-9 hours a day :) Some days the word "stuck" is more fitting than others, but truly, I love my job lol. I am allowed to love these children so fiercely, and I take full advantage of that!! I've always loved little kids, for as long as I can remember. And now that I work with them, there is nothing else I can ever see myself doing, (and I've thought about it). It's my absolute passion.
Kids live the BEST lives. I never want to grow up. I'm afraid if I do, that I'll lose that little sparkle inside of me. Kids have the ability to find the best of every situation. Their carefree zest for life is so admirable. I love seeing children get fascinated over the simplest of things. Imagine if us as adults could still do that? The world would be such a different place. But there are so many troubled kids these days. Kids who have horrible home lives, and it breaks my heart. All I want to do is take all those poor babies home and care for them. And please, please do NOT get me started on abused children! My heart absolutely cannot take it. I can't handle the thought of a child going through what I went through.. or worse. That is why I do what I do. If I can be one person in a child's day who can make them feel loved and safe, I've done my job. As much as I felt like I had no one there for me growing up, I did have some pretty amazing teachers. (If you are reading this, you know who you are!) All it takes is one person to make a difference in a child's life. And I have a heart big enough for all of them. It's so easy for me to tap into their feelings, understand why they are behaving the way they are, and how to break down that defence they have put up. Once you break it down and they feel safe, trust me, you will receive the BEST snuggles. And if you get a chance to do that, hold that child tight. Soak it all in. They need it, and you will too. I love being sensitive when it comes to being around children. I feel like they can tell that past this tough "Miss Lana", there is always someone who will sit down with them and give them cuddles. I can have the worst day, where I do more yelling than I ever should, and they still give me hugs when I walk back into the room after being gone for half an hour. How amazing is that. I'll never understand the unconditional love they have for me, but I'll take it. And I'll continue to teach them the most important values about life that I can. To be kind, to be respectful, love themselves, love others, and be the best them they can be. If I can change the world in the slightest by helping to raise kind human beings, I am living my dream! I really don't think I'd be able to do this job without the sensitive heart I've learned to love. It's my blessed curse. I hope that if you are also an extremely sensitive person, that this will give you a new outlook on that, and help you find a good way to put it to use. Once you figure it out, you'll hate it a bit less, I promise :) Until next time, remember, choose life! And give a special little one in your life a BIG hug.
Lana ❤
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