Sigh. Ya, that’s how I started this entry, with a huge sigh.
First of all, hiiiiiii, it’s been a while! Sorry about that! Life is crazy and I journal so much that I forget about my “electronic journal” 94% of the time. But enough of that, let’s just jump right back in!
I like to tell people that I set the bar low for myself every day, to make it easier to reach. Two reasons: 1) I’m lazy and 2) It makes me appreciate the little things more. If I try to be happy and something sets me back, there goes my whole day. Sad, I know, but it’s just SO easy to be disappointed in myself!
I do want to be happy, but for me, happiness has always been kinda hard to get my hands on. So I like to always be a little sad. I mostly am anyways, however it makes it easy to be happy when happiness does come around. But like everything else, it comes, and it goes.. so I tend to not cling to it. My fear of losing it is far too strong. Which is why I need to learn to just be okay. I need to be okay with the things I cannot control or change. I already live with the constant feeling of anxiety in my chest daily, adding fake scenarios doesn’t help, Lana.
I need to be okay with what other people think and feel. I don’t like everybody.. so why do I want everyone to like me? (Kidding, I know the answer, it’s my insecurities!) But it also definitely stems from
not being loved by my father. (There are lots of old posts about that man…) That dude sure did give me a lot of issues, and an expensive list of medications.
I need to be okay with making mistakes!!! We all make them, and I am so easy to forgive others, but myself?! HELL NO! I am not allowed to fuck up. And not because I’m perfect, but because I grew up in a household where a lot of things were my fault or blamed on me (again, by my “father”). And not because I believe everything is my fault but because it was drilled into my skull that it was. Trauma is hard to shake my friends! I’m more than aware that he is no longer in my life but that fear is something rooted so deep in me that I‘m worried it’ll always be there.
I need to be okay when others are not. As crappy as that sounds, I care WAY too much about others around me that I let it affect me in ways I really shouldn’t. When you don’t care about yourself, it makes it a lot easier to focus all your attention and energy on those closest to you. Friends, I love you all, and that’s not gonna change, but I need to like, like myself??? I’ll work on it lol.
I need to be okay even when I’m too scared to be. Yup, that’s right. I’m scared. All the time. Scared to leave my house, scared to do or say the wrong thing, scared to mess up, scared of it all. Scared is just such a familiar feeling that it’s comforting in a screwed up “my dad abused me as a child” kind of way. But that’s no way to live. I’ve got to kick those fears to the curb! “Not today fears!” I’ll say. Maybe I can be happy. We all deserve that.
I’m sure there are many others things I need to learn to be okay with, but if you are struggling with any of the things I am, I hope this helped! I’m great at giving good advice but I’ll never take it. As always, I write just to share. I find comfort in knowing I’m not the only weirdo out there (please confirm?!?! Kidding…. maybe) so I like sharing my own messy, crazy thought process. That and sometimes it’s too much for me to handle on my own, so thank you.
Please, choose life. (It sucks here but I don’t want to do it alone, that and I love you!!)
Lana 💜
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