Ah yes, let's put myself in a box here for a few minutes and label myself as a people pleaser, because that's truly what I am. I've accepted that, and if you also label yourself as one, I hope you'll be able to accept it too.
I always assumed my people pleasing skills stemmed from my childhood. If you've been here a while, you know about that. If not, quick yet blunt tidbit, I was abused as a child. There's a few posts on that further back. As I was saying, I am a pro at "brown nosing". A lovely term I used to get bullied for relentlessly growing up. I assumed it was a negative quality until I decided (right now actually) to turn it into something positive.
My dad utilized me as a scapegoat as a child, everything was my fault. Lost tv remote even though I had just gotten home from school? My fault. His dinner got cold because he was too busy yelling at me to eat it? My fault of course. So naturally, I would try to make him happy. The happier he was, the less of a chance I'd get hurt, and we could all pretend to be a happy, delightful family. This continued throughout school as well. Due to my trauma, I was in constant fear of being "in trouble". (I STILL haven't fully conquered that one yet.) That's how a teacher's pet is made my friends! Do well in school, volunteer to every class event, stay in from recess to clean chalk boards, lunch monitor the kindergarteners, do all the things!! Kidding, don't do those things. That's what I did lol. But it was strictly out of survival at that point.
Over the years my people pleasing has gotten a little less severe I'd say. I do it to keep people happy still, but in different ways. Not because I'm afraid of getting in trouble necessarily, but I hate confrontation. I also have a wee bit of abandonment issues but let's not doggy pile my issues here please haha. I hate arguing and when others are upset with me. I just want to live in a perfect fairy tale world where we all eat rainbows and poop skittles okay!! Although I am fully aware that's not possible, I am still a girl with dreams.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately, for my career and in my personal life, and one of the books I read recently had a section that stuck with me. It's a book called "Self-Reg" by Dr Stuart Shanker and it talks about something you get called "helpers high" and I am going to quote it here.
"In 2006 scientists found that the very act of giving activates the same part of the brain that releases these feel-good neurotransmitters, a phenomenon referred to as "helpers high". Other research has shown that helpers high is associated with health benefits for the helper. It turns out that "givers" are much happier and healthier than "nongivers," not just for psychological but also biological reasons. These positive feelings come from the mesolimbic system, which, it seems was designed to reward us for-and indeed push us into- prosocial acts. That is, we have a brain that does not just "demand" empathy but is designed to benefit others and benefit from mutual exchange."
Now, by no means and I saying everyone should be a people pleaser and it's amazing, no way. I know now I need to put myself first more ofter than not, but I definitely think there is a healthy balance. And now I also have SCIENCE to back myself up, I feel a bit better about that quality. One of my love languages is also gift giving, and I can see how these two things are attached. Making people feel good and happy genuinely makes me happy. Caring for others is something I do not only because I don't care for myself enough but because of how it makes me feel inside. Those warm fuzzies make it easier for me to take care of myself afterwards. But it's all in the journey called life my friends! Some of you may agree with me and some of you may not. You guys may kindly go away. Haha. Kidding, you're all welcome here.
I hope you got something out of this like I did. I always write in the hopes that I can help someone out there while secretly helping myself a little each time. I hope you learn to manifest good things if you don't already and for the love of the mini eggs I'm eating right now, lets all drink a glass of water before bed. PLEASE LOL.
And choose life, it's kinda cool sometimes.
-Lana 💜
Comments