Yes, I named my blog post after a quote from my personal lord and saviour, RuPaul Charles herself. Yes drag is my religion, come for me and I'll read you like.. (I'm kidding, I totally won't read you because I'm a big baby lol)
The inspiration behind tonight's post is a text I sent my best friend when she asked me if I was okay. I said, "trying to find someone to love me is exhausting and heartbreaking, so why don’t I just try loving myself?". So let's unpacked this, shall we?! I know I have issues when it comes to loving myself, but we're not going to delve into that. That's more for a therapy session.. I need therapy... moving on lol
I feel like I've been looking for love in all the wrong places for years. I've looked for it in friends, teachers, co workers, partners, anywhere but myself. Why is that? Why is it that the person I'm stuck with 24/7 (it's me, hi, I'm the problem it's me) can't be likeable? Is it because I know myself too well? I know all my flaws, I know what I was negatively told growing up, and I know how to self sabotage. Oh do I ever!! I'm not good at a lot of things, I'll be the first to admit, but that, I'm unbelievably skilled at that.
No, I think for me it's just so much easier to love those around me. I know how to make others feel loved, happy, safe, comforted. It's literally what I do for a living, for tiny humans, but still humans. Humans that are not me. Humans that I think are so deserving of love, patience, kindness, acceptance. But not me.
I could easily say I'm deserving of love. Because sure, I am. Do I want love? More than anything. But for some damn reason I just cannot believe it. (Side note: I'm actually learning right now in a book that I'm reading about attachment theory, that this is because of my childhood trauma lol) I can eventually learn to believe I am worthy of love but it's going to take time. Time I need to set aside specially for myself.
Now to pick apart Ru's quote, I can love the hell out of other people. Which is why I've never agreed with this quote. I don't love myself but I love others. Sure maybe I'd be better at loving others if I loved myself but I'm not striving for perfection here lol. I always want to grow and be a better person, but I have to also know I'll never be perfect.
If I'm going to start loving myself, I need to realize and accept that I don't have to necessarily like myself. I don't like every person I meet, and not everyone who meets me will like me either! So why do I put so much pressure on liking myself? That's what I think is important, and I can thank my bestie again for planting that little seedling into my brain.
I can be kind, respectful, and loving towards myself just like I would be to any stranger crossing the street or a person I choose to hold the door for at the mall. I don't like those people, I don't even know them, yet I choose to treat them with kindness. DID ANYONE ELSES BRAIN JUST GO 🤯 OR IS IT JUST ME? I can be nice to myself!! I would hope people would treat me with kindness so why don't I just start with myself?? Shit. Sorry. I didn't expect to have such a realization there.
From now on, I want to try and see the good in myself, the good that those I love see, so that I can love myself for myself. And if you're struggling with loving yourself, I hope reading this gave you some insight, and will help you realize how deserving you are of your own self love. It's not going to be easy, but I can tell you it'll be worth it. You're worth it. Choose life, even if you don't feel like it's choosing you. You choose you. In the end you'll always have yourself. So why make yourself someone you love 💜
Lana
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