Self sabotaging, we all do it at some point in our lives. Some worse than others. And I'd like to talk about this topic, because I don't feel like there's enough conversations happening around it. Plus it's been something that's been sitting on my chest for a little while. So let's get started!
To be honest though, I'm having a hard time starting this so I decided to google "why do we self sabotage". Instantly, the first result I see says (paraphrased) that "the main reason people self sabotage is because of lack of self esteem". CUTE. Love that for me... I'm full of that! But now I know what I want to say, so here we go! (For real this time)
Chapter 1 Why I, Lana Sherman, Think I Self Sabotage: I don't deserve happiness.
My reason for thinking that? Every single time I've ever felt happy in my life, it got taken away from me. I just never got dealt the "good cards" it seems. Whether it be me ridding a toxic person in my life who I thought made me happy, people leaving my life or simply missed opportunities, happiness doesn't seem to stick around with me for too long. So every time something good happens to me, I prepare myself. "Now don't get too happy" I say "you know it's not going to last... it never does". Now, is this the healthiest thing for me to do? Not at all but hey, at least I'm honest with myself right? I feel like I'm just telling myself the truth. I'd rather prepare for the heart ache rather than try to bask in and enjoy the happiness.
Chapter 2 I am not a happy person
I may come off as bubbly to you and most others, and that's how I like to appear, but honestly, I wouldn't consider myself a happy person at all. At the end of the day, when I'm home alone, I am just not a happy person. I'm pretty sad and miserable! Now, that being said, there could be a million reasons for this. I was in a toxic work environment and friendship for a long time that definitely affected my happiness, and mental health. I searched for happiness in literally all the wrong places, not to mention I grew up with a father who told me I'd never be happy. So there's that! My self esteem and confidence sits at a whopping 0. I've spent countless nights just wondering if I'd ever find true happiness or if this was it for me. I had convinced myself I was going to be alone and depressed until the day I die. And I had more or less become okay with that.
Chapter 3 The Change
No, I am going through THAT change haha but I did finally make the big change, the one I dreamed about for years but never EVER thought I'd do. Now I know, I've talked about this quite a bit and you know what else? I'll probably never stop! It's a huge deal for me! This change took years to happen! And a lot of mustered up bravery that I still don't know how I found. It has made me happier than I ever thought. I have a new job with new people who like and respect me, who make coming to work fun and I am HAPPY. So happy in fact that over the last 2 weeks, it's gotten scary.. and I'll tell you why.
Chapter 4 I'm Scared
I say I'm scared, but I'm actually terrified. So terrified that I am (you guessed it) self sabotaging!! I'm trying really hard not to, but in the back of my head, it's there. It's dark and it's heavy. But it's also familiar... and oddly comforting. I know how to handle those feelings, I've had them all my life. Happiness on the other hand? Not a clue how to drive that car. Speaking of cars, let use an analogy. Let's pretend my happiness is a rental car. It's new, it's shinny, and driving it feels like a million bucks. But then your old car gets fixed and it's time to return the rental. My happiness is literally a rental car. I'm just driving it until I have to give it back.
Chapter 5 What Do I Do?
Normally in my blogs I like to write about an experience of mine, what I did to get through it and things that can help you get through similar situations. Not today! Today, this is something entirely new for me to navigate. I am completely solo on this road trip. (I do plan on talking to my therapist about it once I can afford that, but I also feel like I've got enough swimming around in my brain that I can write about. And I NEED to write about this.) I need to try and figure out how to convince myself that it's okay for me to have this. That I've gone through enough crap in my life and it's time for some good to come my way. Because I DO deserve to be happy! We all deserve to be happy. Life is short and precious, and we've only got one.
Now I'm not going to lie, this isn't one of my proudest posts. It's not how I normally write and it's not very organized, but it's my thoughts, and I hope you or someone else can take something away from it. Heck, I even sorta convinced myself there at the end.
So remember, choose life! If you need to, reach out to someone, reach out to me! You are loved, and important.
Lana💜
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