There's an intruder in my house. I can hear them, coming through the front door, turning the handle ever so gently. They don't even bother to knock. “Who does that? Walks into someone's house like they have the right to do so? Wait, focus!” I try to hide, but there's no where for me to go. So I find myself in the corner, holding my knees up to my chest as the tears run down my face. I try to cry out for help, but nothing comes out. I am completely silenced. The intruder slowly walks closer to me. The floor makes an awful creek with every step they take. It's dark, I can't see their face. Suddenly, I feel two cold hands on my face, one on either side. They are like ice. As this figure slowly sneaks their face closer to mine, I hold my breath. Maybe if I try hard enough, they'll go away. I want to disappear, push myself down into the floor. Then I hear a raspy breath following these heart wrenching words: "You did it again," they whisper in my ear, "you messed up."
I instantly recognize my intruder. It's someone who's been haunting me for as long as I can remember. Since I was old enough to understand the bad thoughts. That familiar voices sends shivers down my spine. It is my good old pal Anxiety. "You're wrong!" I tell her. She laughs in my face. "You know I'm right, why else would this be happening? It must be something you've done." I escape from her grip and run. I find myself launching my body into bed and throwing the covers over myself. They are tight around my face. I burry myself in the pillows and begin to sob myself to sleep.
She's constantly breaking into my house, my thoughts, my heart. She's everywhere. She's in the mirror, in the car, on the couch, everywhere I go. Like a shadow, sewed to my feet that I can't rip off. Kinda like Peter Pan, except without the excitement and fun. There's no fairy dust in this story. Instead, she's with every un answered text, every dirty look, every cold shoulder, she's always there.
She makes her way up to my room. I keep my covers on. It's like being in a horror movie. You know your blankets won't save you, but you pray with everything in you that they will. "You're such a LOSER. As if you'd actually think anyone could like you?? Ha!"
I give up. She's stronger than me, and I'm exhausted. She thrives on silence and loneliness. She's likes a leach, sucking all the life out of me every chance she gets. She's like the bully who waits for you in the halls every. single. day. Why won't she leave? I've tried medication, I've tried counselling, I've tried everything. I hate her. Then I realize something... she is me. I am her. I am my own anxiety.
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When you begin to realize that anxiety is within yourself and something that you can actually begin to control, it makes living with it a lot easier. 99% of the time, all these thoughts are exactly that, just thoughts! They aren't real. They cannot hurt you physically. It took me over a year to realize that, and although I still struggle with a lot of anxiety, I am now able to change my thinking and talk myself out of it. Being able to get down from an anxiety attack is not easy at all, it takes time and practice, and a LOT of outside help. If you are struggling with anxiety, reach out to someone. Someone you know and trust, not someone who will make your anxiety worse. The beautiful thing about our brains is they can be retrained, we can re wire the way we think about certain things. Learning to not care so much about what others think and say is a skill that can be acquired, and will potentially save your life. So take that time. Find some books. Read blogs. Go for more walks. Follow accounts on instagram about mental health. Do whatever you can to help yourself, because you are worth it! You are more than the bad thoughts. Tell your intruder, whatever it may be, to get lost, because you don't need them. And never give up. If you are reading this, it means you've survived every single bad day you've ever had! Sometimes it needs to get worse before it can get better. I mean, look at nature, a rainbow only comes out after the rain! So choose life my friend. Because life has chosen you ❤️
Lana
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