What is happiness? Is it how much money you make, or how many children you have? Maybe it is based on your large circle of friends, or travelling the world. For every individual person, happiness is measured differently. For me, my happiness is measured around the happiness of other people around me. It's not the healthiest situation, but it is my current one. I became a people pleaser at a very young age (probably because of the abuse I experienced: you can read about that in older posts) and the happier my dad was with me, the less I got hurt. Kind of. But that is where this state of mind came from. As long as everyone around me is happy, then I'm happy.
I also have this sometime annoying quality about me where I absorb other people's feelings. I'm ridiculously emotional like that. If someone around me is happy or excited, I'm happy or excited! If they are mad, sad, or heartbroken.. guess what, I am too. This is a horrible example but I could go to a funeral of a complete stranger, filled to the brim of their loved ones whom I don't know, and I would still probably cry just as much as the rest of them. Because loosing someone is sad! And I feel that. Deeply.
Now that I'm done rambling, I want to get down to the knitty gritty, the real reason why I'm writing this post. I want to talk about the past 8 years of my life. 8... I still can't believe that number. For someone who is only 26, 8 years seems like a lot of my life! When I first started my job at the daycare, I was bright eyed, bushy tailed and eager to learn. And I was happy, for sure! I was only 18, fresh out of high school and excited to start college for a career I loved. (I bolded loved because I really, truly did love it! It was 100%, without a doubt the job I knew I was made for). The first 5 years were great. I was passionate, happy and couldn't see myself doing anything else in the world. That was until I wasn't happy anymore. And I had no idea how to handle that.
Remember earlier how I said "as long as everyone around me is happy, then I'm happy" ? Well.. people around me definitely were not, and I felt like a big part of that was my fault. I spent 3 years in a deep state of depression and anxiety. Sure I was happy sometimes, but most of the times, I was not. I was riding a huge roller coaster that just kept going and going. A marry go round that wouldn't stop. I wanted off so badly.. bad enough that I tried to end my life (which you can also read about in another post on this site). After my failed suicide attempt, I continued to have thoughts of ending my life and even wishing that the first time had worked. I was not in a good place. I had lost my happiness.
I continued to stay where I was working (even after my mom told me not to go back) because I knew nothing else. In my mind, this is where I was for a reason, and I couldn't just leave. Where would I even go? I was making around $22 an hour and was still barely making ends meet, but I knew that I had to keep working to pay the bills. I was too scared to leave and go to another daycare, and I had no experience doing anything else. So I decided to stick around. Eventually I got medication and some therapy and felt like I was doing better... when in reality, I wasn't. I was still suffering. But to me, it just felt normal. I had been miserable for so long that it just became a state of life for me. I had accepted the fact that I wouldn't find anything (or anywhere) else that would make me happy. And then I finally got there. Where you ask? My breaking point. I had had enough and said "you know what Lana, screw it. No work place, no person and no thing is worth ruining your happiness and mental health!" So, I did it. I pushed aside my fears and anxiety and I quit. I quit and never looked back.
I am 3 days shy of being at my new job for 2 months and I LOVE IT. I realized the other day how happy I am now, which is what lead me to writing this post. Here's a little back story....
Back when I was super depressed and/or anxious, I used to take a lot of baths. They were my go to self care method. I was at a point where I was taking a bath almost every night. They relaxed me and helped pass the time, even take my mind off things. Just over 2 weeks ago, I had a long day at work (at my new job) and decided to have nice warm bath. I wasn't used to standing for 8 hours and my legs and feet were sore. As I was in the tub, I realized how long it had been since I had taken a bath! Which to me struck as odd, because like I said, I was taking a LOT of baths. It was right then and there that I realized how much better I was doing. Pretty sure I sighed a huge sigh of relief and probably had a dorky smile on my face. Since then, I've had a few more "ah ha" moments where I realize how much happier I am. I even contemplated getting off my meds?! Woah, slow down there girl! Haha.
So to sum it all up, I want you as my friends, family and readers to know that your happiness is and should always be your NUMBER 1 PRIORITY. You don't like your job? QUIT. You're not happy in your relationship? LEAVE. You don't like your living situation? MOVE. It's really that easy! And I know what you're thinking... "no, its really not that easy" and you're kinda right... but it can be. I came up with every damn excuse in the book not to leave the daycare. I forced myself to stay there way longer than I should have. I wish I would have had more people tell me to leave! (If you were one of those people I'm sorry, I know I didn't listen). But I don't want you to make the same mistake as me. I literally threw away my whole career and make substantially less money but I am HAPPY. I love coming to work, I have new friends, I feel loved and appreciated and I couldn't ask for anything better!
Consider this a challenge. Make a pros and cons list. Talk to people you love. Talk to me if you'd like! But make it your goal for 2020 to make yourself happy. To see colours brighter, to breathe easier and to walk lighter. We only have one chance at this life we have. So let's make it worth it. I believe in you!
Remember, choose life, always.
-Lana❤
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