Hey Lana,
It's me, 26 year old Lana. Been thinking about you lately, and I wanted to tell you some things. You're in high school, you're finally becoming more grown up like you've always wanted! So that's good, some things are going your way. You're getting more respect from adults and you're being treated less like a "kid". I know you don't like the other kids your age. They are mean to you. You were bullied so much. You don't come from a lot of money.. you don't think you're pretty and you think you're fat. You have ZERO self confidence girl. Boys don't like you, so you don't fit in with all the other girls who have boyfriends. You won't get a boyfriend for a long time. You've had crushes, but they've never liked you back. Except for one boy, but you're too damaged to understand. You literally can't believe that a boy (or a man) could EVER love you. Not after your own father couldn't even love you. You're damaged because he broke you. He broke you to what we believe is beyond repair. And I know you think that now that he is gone out of the house that he'll stop hurting you, and I'm so sorry to tell you this, but he won't. He will fill you with empty promises. He will give you excuse after excuse as to why he did what he did to you. You won't ever want to forgive him.. and guess what? You still don't. You know deep down you have to forgive him for yourself, but 16 year old you, ya you, you've promised yourself that you will NEVER forgive him. And maybe we'll get there some day... but 10 years later and as it stands, we haven't.
You are going to go through a lot of battles with yourself. Share them with people. Don't bottle up all your feelings on the inside! I know you feel like nobody cares about you and that you are alone but you don't have to be. No one has to be. There is help and there is hope! I know you don't want anyone to tell you it will get better.. because you are tired of waiting for that day to come. I am still trying to tell us that it will get better. I am starting to believe it a little more though.. so I hope that helps.
You are going to go through a lot of pain and hardships. You are going to have what you think is your heart broken, but it isn't. I believe in some cases once a heart is broken it can never truly be fixed. And you haven't reached that yet. Yes you've had pain so physical that it feels like your heart was ripped out of your chest, and I'm not denying that. But know that pain will get so much worse. I can't believe I am typing this because it still doesn't feel real.. but you are going to lose your gramma. There is NOTHING you can do to prepare yourself for this, but make sure you spend so much time with her. Tell her you love her and make her so proud of you. I know you already did though, because she loves us so much that there was and is never anything we could do to make her love us any less.
Now, this is another hard part to talk about. You are going to think about suicide. You are going to want to die, more than once. You are going to think that ending it is your only escape. You are going to feel like no one will notice if you're gone. You feel like a small blip on a radar, a blip that once it disappears, nothing happens. You are going to experience self harm and I wish I could tell you that you grew out of that or snapped out of it, but you don't. You actually try to take your own life at 23, and it almost worked. But after that, you find out that you aren't just some broken helpless piece of trash. But that you suffered a life full of trauma. A life that people can understand and that you don't have to be ashamed of! And I can't wait for you to experience that beam of light. It is so beautiful, and so full of hope. You will find yourself telling your story every chance you get, because it made you who you are today! It made you so weak, but it had to before it could make you strong. I know it's hard, but please keep going. You are going to do so many amazing things! You are going to go to college and get a career by the age of 20! You are going to move out into cool apartments and get a car! What?! Ya thats right, a car 😏 You will spend all your money all the time but you know what, you're going to have fun and live your life. And you only get one life! It isn't going to be a perfect one, at all, but it's the one you've got. So don't rush to grow up please. I know you really want to, but trust me, you can wait.
Also, please don't set un realistic goals for us to reach, because they aren't going to happen, and poor 2019 me is still dealing with that lol. Just try to be happy in the moment. Try to focus on the good, and fight through the bad. Count your blessings (yes I know you think that sounds lame but do it anyways) and love the people who love you. Don't worry about the ones who don't! Not everyone is going to like us! And so what. A couple of really awesome people do, and they are going to be the ones who matter when you get here❤️
So, dear 16 year old me, please, try to find some love for yourself. Because you are SO worthy of love. Not only from others, but from yourself. Stop looking around on that school bus and try to think what others are thinking about you, because it doesn't matter! Be weird, be honest, be YOU. Because I love you, and I want you to love you too.
PS we FINALLY learn how to do our eyebrows, yay! STOP SHAVING/PLUCKING THEM, YOU'RE KILLING ME 😂
-26 year old Lana xo
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