Change. The word that terrifies me the most, and always has. As an early childhood educator (even though I’ve decided to take a break from it, yada yada…) one of the first things we learn is the importance of routine and consistency. It’s so vital for behaviour, feelings of safety, and an overall positive environment. It’s no different for grown ups. We as humans are creature of habit. And when our routine is changed or broken, it can be really hard to handle. Some people are okay with change, and then there is me. If I could choose one thing that scares me more than almost anything else, its just that. I thrive on doing things the same. I like familiarity. It comforts me. Except it can be quite dangerous. And I learned that the hard way.
I started my job in a daycare when I was 18 years old. I was still young enough that I was used to change.. I had went from grade 8 to high school and was transitioning into college.. so I was in the flow of the unknown. It was okay. I could do it. I was still living at home and I knew people at the daycare so I’d be fine. At least I wasn't alone. Then College started. I made friends and I was on a roll! I felt like I had made the best decision. I was passionate about my field (ECE) and I was enjoying myself. I couldn’t wait to graduate. With the experience I was gaining while also working in this daycare, I knew I’d be able to go anywhere! My plan was to stay at my current job until I was done school, then I’d go somewhere else. I absolutely loved it and I knew this was where I was meant to be. I had the best job ever. two years came and went and I decided to stay at my job. I was offered full time in the preschool room (which was my favourite room) and I was offered a lead position. I was so excited! And then I hit three years… and four years, then soon it was seven and eight. By my sixth year, I was ready to go. I was feeling lost, and was losing my passion. I wasn’t happy anymore and I was feeling like a failure. I was failing myself and I was failing the kids. I don’t know if it was a mix of feeling comfortable and entitled or what, but I wanted to leave. I was at a stand still and wasn't being my best self.
I knew that this (working) wasn't the best decision for my mental health, I had been struggling with personal issues there for quite a while along with my anxiety and depression. About two years ago, it got really bad. I was having a hard time getting out of bed, I didn't even want to go to work. Not only did I feel like I was failing myself, but I felt like I was failing the kids too. I was filled with so much doubt and negativity, and I was struggling hard. Normally I could separate my home life and my work life, but not anymore. There would be days when I couldn't even hold myself together and would fight to hold back the tears. Not only was I mentally exhausted, but I was also suffering from burnout. Mayo clinic defines job burnout as so: "Job burnout is a special type of work-related stress — a state of physical or emotional exhaustion that also involves a sense of reduced accomplishment and loss of personal identity." Oh how I wish I would have known that sooner.. I wouldn't have been so hard on myself! I figured it was all just me..
Although I was running on an empty tank, I kept going.. every day I forced myself out of bed and convinced myself I could do it. I spent most of my work day just waiting for it to be over. The small things that used to bring me joy just didn't anymore. But this is what I had chosen to do with my life, and I wasn't going to let myself give up. I worked hard to get here and I was proud of my accomplishments. I figured it would be easier to be miserable than it would be to be jobless.
I tried to quit, more than once. I had talked about quitting more times than none, but eventually I turned into the girl who cried wolf. Nobody (including myself) believed it, because I wouldn't do it. I was comfortable where I was. I had even interviewed at another daycare and was offered a job on the spot, but I turned it down. I was a senior staff and got away with a lot.. and everyone knew it. I was not prepared to start from the bottom up where I knew nobody. This place was my home, and it had my family, and my friends. I was needed there.. I couldn't leave.
Even after several therapy sessions based around this situation, telling me I needed to leave, I just couldn't do it. I knew it wasn't a good/healthy place for me anymore, and staying longer just made it worse. Meltdown after meltdown wasn't enough to convince me, so I figured nothing would. My fear and anxiety was over powering me. This job was basically the only job I had ever had, and the only thing I knew. I thought more about ending my life so I wouldn't have to quit than just quitting. Dying felt like it would be easier. Then one day, I did it.
You know how people say never to make decisions in times of pain, fear or anger? Well.. that was the best time for me to make this decision. I knew if I didn't do it then, I never would. I didn't second guess it or have any anxiety about it, I just did it. And I haven't regretted it once. Wait... did I just type that? Who am I? That's right. I did not regret this. The biggest decision I've ever made, the one that terrified me most.. If you would have told me two years ago that I'd finally quit my job, I wouldn't believe you. Not for a second. Even my therapist was impressed with me. This was a big deal! And it seems so silly to me now.. people quit their jobs all the time, its not the end of the world! Even though it felt like it. Here's the best part that I forgot to include: I DIDN'T HAVE ANOTHER JOB LINED UP. LOL who does that?! Me, that's who. I was winging it like my eyeliner, flying by the seat of my pants!
My last day was way too easy.. I figured I'd cry, and I didn't. I figured I'd be sad, and I wasn't. I honestly just wanted to get out of there. I had given two weeks notice and I figured that would be plenty of time to find a new job. Everyone kept telling me how smart I was and how easy it would be to find a new job (not in ECE.. I forgot that part) Well, two weeks had come and gone and I hadn't found another job. I was convinced I had ruined my life, I had made the wrong decision. I was riddled with anxiety, the kind I had never had before. Symptoms that I didn't understand. I applied to pretty much every single job available that someone with no experience could, and wasn't hearing back from any of them. I was so discouraged. I was terrified that I would have to find a job in another daycare, and the thought of doing that did not make me feel good.
As I am writing this, I am still currently unemployed. It's been just over a week since my last day, and I am happy with my decision. Although it concerns me slightly (okay more than slightly lol) that I don't have a job yet, I'm sure I will soon. This journey has not been easy for me whatsoever, but I'm doing it, and I don't regret my decision. I'm happy to be moving on, and I hope this story might encourage someone else too. Whether you're stuck in a job you don't like, a relationship or where you live, just know that you can trust and believe in yourself, even in the toughest of times! Even when it seems utterly impossible. And trust me, if I can do it, you can do it. And the feeling afterwards is totally worth it.
And always remember, choose life!
Lana ❤️
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