"I don't know how to handle this."
"I HATE my life, I am depressed as hell."
"I am such a MESS."
"I have no clue how I am going to survive this. I'd rather be dead."
"Things can't get any worse.. right? Wrong."
"I had another meltdown today.. I don't know how much more I can take."
"The thought of killing myself is the only thing bringing me any comfort right now. Everyone including myself will be better off once I'm DEAD."
On June 21st 2018, I reached out to a friend of mine. I was feeling unbelievably lost, scared, and alone. I was desperate to find anyone who would listen to me. She listened and responded as best she could, and then suggested I find a therapist. "Ugh, (I thought to myself) someone else telling me I need help." Professional help was the LAST thing I wanted. That meant something was actually wrong with me, as far as I was concerned. What kind of stranger would be able to help me? How was I expected to confide in someone who didn't know me about my deepest and darkest feelings? To me therapy felt useless, and terrifying.
"Sure!" I respond.. pretending to be happy about her suggestion. "I did therapy online once and I didn't mind it. Can you send me the info?"
I had my first therapy experience when I was a preteen. (I come from an abusive childhood and began demonstrating self harm at a young age.) Needless to say, I did not like it. Talking to a stranger about feelings I didn't even understand myself left me feeling uncomfortable and confused. It didn't last long. After that, I convinced myself I hated therapy and would never do it again. Friends and family are great, but over the years I learned they can only help so much. They can only understand so much. And that's okay. After getting no where in my adult life and still feeling lost and alone, I tried an online therapy company. I live in a small town in Northern Ontario, and my family doctor had basically told me not to bother trying to find a therapist. Cool, super encouraging doc. I also did not think I could afford any help financially. Long story short, I didn't like the therapist. So that ended almost as fast as it started.
I click on the link my friend sends me. For Freedom Counselling, owned and operated by Katie Gosse. I peruse the website. Then I message my friend to give her an update...
June 21st 2018- "She specializes in survivors of childhood abuse! This looks great. Thanks so much for passing this on to me!"
June 27th 2018- "I had my first session with Katie and she is AMAZING! I already feel like I can talk to her about anything"
That was a year ago. I still can't believe it.
At the beginning of this post, I started with some excerpts from my journal, before therapy. I knew that I had come pretty far since starting therapy. I have learned a lot about myself, my depression/anxiety as well as tools I could use in time of need. Although I had seen some major improvements in my life, I did not know exactly how far I had come. So, I decided to read some old journal entries, as a reflection. That was when I saw it. I am not the same girl I was a year ago. The girl who wrote those entries was sad and ready to give up. I had to give myself a minute. A minute to sit there and remember those feelings. A minute to feel compassion for that girl. I started to think of things I would say to her. I wanted her to know that she was going to be okay. That she wasn't going to feel like that forever! Then I continued to read on..
July 25th 2018- "I've been so open and vulnerable, which is great because it's helping me heal and I'm seeing things I've never seen before, realizing things about myself I never knew. She is seriously changing my LIFE."
August 14th 2018- "My therapist is saving my life! I don't ever want to stop therapy! Every session has been so good. I feel and learn so much."
August 21st 2018- "Today was my 9th therapy session. I've been in therapy for 9 weeks! I can't believe it. I LOVE it."
September 5th 2018- "As much as I didn't want that therapy session to happen, it was SO good, and I desperately needed it."
I could go on and on but I'm sure you can see just as simply as I can the difference in my journal entries. The whole point of this story is that healing takes time, and a lot of work. This last year in my mental health journey hasn't been perfect or easy, I've had a lot of ups and downs but I have come so far. Even though it feels like I am only taking baby steps, I am making strides. A year ago you couldn't tell me anything that would give me the slightest glimmer of hope. Now I try to live every day for myself. I rejoice in my milestones. I am able to see that I am under construction, a work in progress. I have survived 100% of my worst days and I am ready to face whatever comes my way next. Choosing to give therapy one more chance was the best decision (and investment) I have ever made for myself. Now I choose life, and I hope you always will too❤️
Lana
Comments